Feeding My Baby - My Perspective

I've been asked many times over, "why do you do it?"  Why do you still get up in the middle of the night and feed Nathaniel.  You should let him cry it out.  He will learn eventually that if he gets up and cries that you won't feed him and he'll fall back asleep.  I usually just nod my head and respond well he is so little (in size) and he needs to eat.  And at that moment i can see that people just don't understand.  They look at my funny and I know they think I"m nuts.  But my reality and perspective is so different from the average persons.  

My reality is this...all three of my babies were instantly taken from me at birth.  I never got to hold them and coo over how amazingly perfect they were made.  I never got to have them in my hospital room with me, or take them home when I was discharged from the hospital. I had to always ask nurses or doctors for permission to touch them. In a way I feel like I was robbed of those special precious bonding moments. Moments that for so long I've been trying to claim back. Having these experiences makes something in you change.  It has made me realize daily what a beautiful blessing and true miracle my babies are.  


I spent a total of 243 days watching my babies in the NICU go through and experience many ups and downs of being born prematurely and underdeveloped in the NICU.  During this extremely hard time my heart was  extremely hurt. Especially my first time around when I had Kaleb the going through the hospital parking lot I saw women carrying their precious bundles out of the hospital and I just went home empty handed.  I can remember when the babies were still in the hospital and I was home getting up in the middle of the night pumping in tears. Alone. No baby. Just an emptiness. And I remember promising myself to cherish every moment once they were home especially the nights because I finally had them home.

Because of their premature births and the five miscarriages I've had my heart has been completely transformed.  So even after 2 years of getting up every three hours to feed Nathaniel I feel no resentment, nor feel any extreme exhaustion,  on the contrary I cherish the time we get to spend alone.  He holds me tight and I look into his eyes and get to marvel at the beauty and miracle in my arms.  

I realize that this phase will be such a short time and I want to embrace it. I want to choose to embrace the feedings. It will be gone in a blink...and one day I imagine I will be looking at my big 18 year old Nathaniel and will give anything to be rocking and snuggling him in the wee hours of the night.