Stand Up - Nathaniel

Do you ever have moments where your breath is just taken away. Well today that's exactly what happened to me. We were doing our usual morning routine, eating breakfast getting ready for school and then out of nowhere Nathaniel decides he's going to try and stand up. We were very excited for him and he was so excited for himself. It was amazing to see his perseverance as he tried over and over until he got it right. I was so proud of him. But, this was not what took my breath away, it was the excitement in Olivia's voice, the way she cheered her little brother on. She even gave him a gold medal for his accomplishment. It was during that time that my breath was taken away. I was so touched at how sweet, loving and adoring she was and truly now thinking about it she's always been to Nathaniel. My heart swelled with pride at both Nathaniel's accomplishment and Olivia's loving nature. I'm so blessed!

Holding Time Still with Olivia

It's Valentines Day today and I'm so fortunate to get to spend the day with one of the greatest loves of my life - my sweetie pie Olivia. We woke up early took Kaleb to school and then went for a walk around the neighborhood. Nathaniel stayed home with abuelita and I got to enjoy some special mommy/daughter moments. We talked about Olivia's favorite thing right now - Dinosaurs! We laughed together, played and pretended we were on a dinosaur hunt. We took out our imaginary binoculars and looked out for the t-rex, triceratops, and stegosaurus, her three favorites. We went to the greenbelt, our shared grass area and dug for "Dino" bones and teeth which were rocks. During this time I couldn't help but ponder how much my baby Olivia has changed since I held her in my arms for the first time. She now has very clear and distinct interest, she takes initiative on her own to learn about her interest. She has grown up so fast before my eyes. Realizing this made me feel sadness for I knew those "baby moments" were gone. I now have preschool moments with her instead. Then, I came to a realization about how much I have to look forward to with her. All the many things I will be doing with her and learning about her. For a second, I imagined what life would be like in 10 years. What would that same walk look and sound like? What would her life be like, her interest, and what would we be talking about? And at that moment all I wanted to do was embrace my beautiful little girl and hold on to what we were sharing at that moment. I wanted time to hold still and treasure the moment. I took out my phone and captured the moment for us to remember forever.

Family Day at Balboa Park

We spent Saturday afternoon at the beautiful Balboa Park. First we walked around at the museums then we took the football out for the boys to play pass. Olivia, Nathaniel and I just played on the grass and got to run around the fountain and dance to the music playing in the background. It was a wonderful and perfect family day.

Pregnancies, Miscarriages and Prematurity

"God is just making the joys of parenthood sweeter for you

by introducing you to the heartache early. Each anxiety we experience
produces a greater appreciation for the wonderment that precious
children bring into our lives."

I read this quote on another blog and it was just what I needed to hear. It really made me think about how this applies to directly to me given my 3 premature children and 5 painful miscarriages. 

To women like me that have always dreamed of being a mother, of having a house full of little ones, but that dream doesn't always play out the way we envisioned. 

I thought about women who are unable to have their own children and must seek other alternatives to make their dream a reality. Their faith and determination (and pain and heartache) to make that a reality inspires me. 

For many people, having a baby is as easy as making plans (or not), getting pregnant, and having a healthy baby 9 months later. For others, it involves so much more. 

For me it meant countless doctors appointments, tests, bed rest and hospitalization.  On two separate occasions different doctors had even suggested ending my pregnancies.  First, when I was pregnant with Kaleb at six weeks when Dr. Sumen saw the size of my fibroid then when his AFP test came up elevated for Spinal Bifida.  Then when I was pregnant with Nathaniel I was asked to make a decision to whether we'd have medical intervention upon his delivery because of how small he was going to be during which the doctor said he had less than a 10% chance of survival.  At that moment I couldn't believe that I even had a choice to not intervene.  I even had to clarify with the doctor and asked him, "are you asking me if I want to kill my baby,".  The doctor immediately referred to my baby as a fetus and painted a grave picture of my baby having Downs, Spinal Bifida, Cerebral Palsy, Learning Disabilities, etc.  Then I wondered how a parent could make that decision especially when they really don't know what the outcome will be.  All the doctors can give patients is statistics.  

Add on top of this the pain of losing five angels.  Each between my sweet children.  One at 14 weeks when I had become so very attached.   Through all that heartache of wondering if there was something wrong with me, blaming myself for the pain my three children endured as a result of their prematurity, wondering if I could ever have a full term healthy baby, wondering if the dreams I had would have to change and that's when I learned to appreciate and cherish what I had. It taught me greater patience and greater love. 

It made me think about my last miscarriage and all the heartache I felt and still feel at times. 

Part of me wants no one to know I had another miscarriage in February, but another part of me wants to acknowledge the loss because it was real.  

I didn't feel like sharing until I read that quote and thought about how the difficult things that we experience in life, teach us to appreciate our blessings now and as well as future blessings. The heartache has made me realize how precious life is, how precious my three children are, and how precious the ones I have lost are to me as well. 

I realized through this fifth miscarriage that the only thing I have control over is how I react to what life gives me. I can get be, resentful, and bitter, or I can realize that life is a gift and focus on my many blessings. I still feel pain from losing another baby, but this time I am letting the Lord help me deal with it, instead of trying to do it on my own.