Pregnancies, Miscarriages and Prematurity

"God is just making the joys of parenthood sweeter for you

by introducing you to the heartache early. Each anxiety we experience
produces a greater appreciation for the wonderment that precious
children bring into our lives."

I read this quote on another blog and it was just what I needed to hear. It really made me think about how this applies to directly to me given my 3 premature children and 5 painful miscarriages. 

To women like me that have always dreamed of being a mother, of having a house full of little ones, but that dream doesn't always play out the way we envisioned. 

I thought about women who are unable to have their own children and must seek other alternatives to make their dream a reality. Their faith and determination (and pain and heartache) to make that a reality inspires me. 

For many people, having a baby is as easy as making plans (or not), getting pregnant, and having a healthy baby 9 months later. For others, it involves so much more. 

For me it meant countless doctors appointments, tests, bed rest and hospitalization.  On two separate occasions different doctors had even suggested ending my pregnancies.  First, when I was pregnant with Kaleb at six weeks when Dr. Sumen saw the size of my fibroid then when his AFP test came up elevated for Spinal Bifida.  Then when I was pregnant with Nathaniel I was asked to make a decision to whether we'd have medical intervention upon his delivery because of how small he was going to be during which the doctor said he had less than a 10% chance of survival.  At that moment I couldn't believe that I even had a choice to not intervene.  I even had to clarify with the doctor and asked him, "are you asking me if I want to kill my baby,".  The doctor immediately referred to my baby as a fetus and painted a grave picture of my baby having Downs, Spinal Bifida, Cerebral Palsy, Learning Disabilities, etc.  Then I wondered how a parent could make that decision especially when they really don't know what the outcome will be.  All the doctors can give patients is statistics.  

Add on top of this the pain of losing five angels.  Each between my sweet children.  One at 14 weeks when I had become so very attached.   Through all that heartache of wondering if there was something wrong with me, blaming myself for the pain my three children endured as a result of their prematurity, wondering if I could ever have a full term healthy baby, wondering if the dreams I had would have to change and that's when I learned to appreciate and cherish what I had. It taught me greater patience and greater love. 

It made me think about my last miscarriage and all the heartache I felt and still feel at times. 

Part of me wants no one to know I had another miscarriage in February, but another part of me wants to acknowledge the loss because it was real.  

I didn't feel like sharing until I read that quote and thought about how the difficult things that we experience in life, teach us to appreciate our blessings now and as well as future blessings. The heartache has made me realize how precious life is, how precious my three children are, and how precious the ones I have lost are to me as well. 

I realized through this fifth miscarriage that the only thing I have control over is how I react to what life gives me. I can get be, resentful, and bitter, or I can realize that life is a gift and focus on my many blessings. I still feel pain from losing another baby, but this time I am letting the Lord help me deal with it, instead of trying to do it on my own.