On the you were born I was woken up at 1am by the nurses and rushed to the operating room. It felt surreal, like a movie or dream. I'd been woken up many times that night by the nurses trying to find your heartbeat. You'd had many significant decelerations (this means your heart would slowdown) and this time you were not recovering. The nurses grabbed the bed that I was sleeping in unplugged me from the monitor and raced as fast as I'd ever seen. I could hear the hospital paging the surgeon on call calling for code red. The nurses had asked me to please undress as fast as I could and slip into their gown since I was wearing my sweats. I stripped as they were running me down the hospital corridor. I was in complete disbelief as I'd only seen this happen in movies. I was lucky that I had my cell phone on my lap and I immediately tried to call your dad and let him know what was going on. The phone went straight to voicemail. I was frightened to death that I might have to face your birth alone. In the operating room I held on to a nurse's hand clinging hoping this was not real. I prayed that God would see us through this that you'd be alive. The nurses and doctors moved so fast, I hardly had a moment to breathe, they were preparing me for surgery and I just kept thinking this is just a practice drill. I thought and prayed they'd find your heartbeat and send me back to my room. This was not the case, and thus they cut me open and you were taken out of my womb. I did not hear you cry, I did not get to see you, no one gave me an update or any word about you. My heart was breaking thinking you'd not made it. Finally, your dad showed up and I sent him to see you. We had no camera to document any of your birth. They kept me in recovery for hours while they prepared the room that I was going to be staying in. We kept trying to get updates on Nathaniel's status but they were still trying to stabilize him so we had no news. I was worried sick about what was going on and it was even harder not having updates. finally at four o'clock in the morning I was moved to the room I was going to recover in. A few hours later they allowed us to see Nathaniel. I was so scared because I'd never seen such a tiny baby. You looked a little like a bird to me. Your arms and legs were smaller than I even imagined your tiny legs were the width on my pinkie. I was frightened by the noise as you were on a oscillator, and high frequency ventilator. I didn't know what to do even though I'd been through the micro preemie road before. I felt so helpless, angry and sad. And mainly so scared to lose you my precious baby.
