First Day of School - Fourth Grade

Summer has officially ended for my dear son Kaleb.  Today was his first day of school.  He was nervous, and excited to take on this new adventure.  He picked out his new outfit from the clothes he got from the scavenger hunt adventure he had last Saturday.  He is styling in a Neff t-shirt, Levis 511 Supper Skinny jeans, a Spit Fire backpack and a thrifted Fedora his nana gave him for Christmas a few years back.  Kaleb's homeroom teacher is Mrs. Brown and one of the newest things he gets to experience in fourth grade is changing teachers for a few specialized subjects.  The coolest part of school for this year according to Kaleb is that his homeroom gets to pilot a program I-Pads for learning.  Only three classrooms out of entire school were selected.  He is supper excited to get his hands on the I-Pad.  Learning is going to be so much fun for him this year. 

As I took his first day of fourth grade pictures this year I reflected on how much Kaleb is maturing.  He is more self sufficient, more willing to help (though sometimes with a little attitude) but overall he is still the same sweet little guy with such a tender heart (despite all the teasing Olivia gets).  He is still a cuddle bug (on his on terms) and still values approval from his mommy.  I am flabbergasted about how fast time is passing and how big my baby is getting.  When I look at him I still am brought to tears in appreciation for his beautiful life.  I am so grateful to God for my precious Kaleb, my first born, and most cried after baby as he was my first premature baby.

Kaleb this is a poem I often share with you now but would alway recite to you as a baby and toddler.  It's from one of my favorite books we shared when you were a baby.

I like you for always

I love you forever

As long as I'm living 

My baby you'll be

How true is this.  No matter how much you grow deep down in my heart you are my first little one that rocked in my arms my precious.

Love,

Mommy    

And here is a little recap of First Day Pictures 

1st day of Kindergarden

1st day of 1st Grade

1st day of Second Grade

1st day of Third Grade

1st day of Fourth Grade

Wow look how much you've grown  over the years my sweet love. There is one thing that hasn't changed - your style.  Kaleb, you are colorful and bold and a true skater in heart and spirit!

Enjoy your journey! Have a fantastic 4th Grade.

I love you!!

    

Water Play - Baths Outside

So the rules at our house change a little bit during the summer.  We become a little more relaxed about schedules, dinners, bed time and even where we take baths.  
Saturday was a perfectly warm summer morning and the children had been plenty dirty from Friday.  But because we got to bed really late we'd skipped out on baths.  So, what's a mom to do but bathe her kids in the morning however kids are already outside drenched in water.  So my best option was enjoy the sun and get the shampoo and soap and get tan while bathing the little ones.  As a mom you gotta be flexible and go with the flow. 

Cottonwood Park - Reflections of being a SAHM and A Prayer

Today we spent the morning at Cottonwood Park in Encinitas.  It was amazing to get some focus time with my little ones.  I got to play and watch them enjoy the outdoors.  We've had so much stress with all that we have going on with the house cleaning, prepping for showings, and open houses etc that unfortunately a good portion of my day is spent just trying to keep up with the house and not playing much. It's been so hard on me because my favorite part of being a stay at home mom is the teaching, coming up with activities, and playing together. 

And today as I watched my little ones play freely at the park for several hours I could not help but meditate about how blessed I've been for the last four years to be a stay at home mom.  During these last four years I've had the privilege of playing, teaching, watching, feeding, signing, and loving on my babies.  This has been the greatest gift that I could receive from J.J.  And this gift has benefited my children so much.  The kids and I have such a strong relationship together.  I know my children so well including their feelings, desires, and fears.  And during this moment I just prayed that God will ignite a desire in J.J.'s heart to want to provide for us, that he blesses him with a job that continues to allow me to be a stay at home mom.  I prayed that my children wont have to raised by a childcare center, or have to be placed in after school care.  I know that no one can do as good as job as I at raising my children.  No one can possibly come close to loving them as much as I love them.  And no job could ever give me the satisfaction that raising my children has given me.  I love my children so very much and I enjoy the hard days, the chaos, noise, dirty diapers, cleaning bums, attitude, tantrums, just as much as I enjoy watching them slide, climb, play in the mud, learn and discover and all the encounters of the day to day of motherhood. I pray that God grants me this desire of my heart.      

My Dreams and Wishes for You

Yesterday Kaleb volunteered to dress you from head to toe.  Darling you looked like a "skater" according to Kaleb.  He even outfitted you with a flatcap (Neil Mimms style).  You played around on one of Kaleb's many boards without wheels and attempted to ollie.  You were so adorable.  Kaleb has hoped from the day you were born that you will follow in his footsteps and be a proskater.  But during this moment of him ooing and awhing over you looking like a skater it got me thinking about what you are going to grow up to be?  and what your passions maybe be?  

Then I reminiced about when Kaleb was born and was an infant and the many ideas and dreams that I had for him.  I wanted him to love baseball, school and for him to be a doctor.  But, as he is growing older I'm realizing that my dreams are not going to be his dreams.  And now after some experience, I know better.  And all I can dream for you is that you find something that you are passionate about and that you pour your heart into it, that you find what makes you happy.  So my dreams and wishes for you are so simple -  just happiness, gladness, laughs, and lots of love.  Skater, surfer, doctor, baseball player, truck driver, race car driver what ever it may be.  

Feeding My Baby - My Perspective

I've been asked many times over, "why do you do it?"  Why do you still get up in the middle of the night and feed Nathaniel.  You should let him cry it out.  He will learn eventually that if he gets up and cries that you won't feed him and he'll fall back asleep.  I usually just nod my head and respond well he is so little (in size) and he needs to eat.  And at that moment i can see that people just don't understand.  They look at my funny and I know they think I"m nuts.  But my reality and perspective is so different from the average persons.  

My reality is this...all three of my babies were instantly taken from me at birth.  I never got to hold them and coo over how amazingly perfect they were made.  I never got to have them in my hospital room with me, or take them home when I was discharged from the hospital. I had to always ask nurses or doctors for permission to touch them. In a way I feel like I was robbed of those special precious bonding moments. Moments that for so long I've been trying to claim back. Having these experiences makes something in you change.  It has made me realize daily what a beautiful blessing and true miracle my babies are.  


I spent a total of 243 days watching my babies in the NICU go through and experience many ups and downs of being born prematurely and underdeveloped in the NICU.  During this extremely hard time my heart was  extremely hurt. Especially my first time around when I had Kaleb the going through the hospital parking lot I saw women carrying their precious bundles out of the hospital and I just went home empty handed.  I can remember when the babies were still in the hospital and I was home getting up in the middle of the night pumping in tears. Alone. No baby. Just an emptiness. And I remember promising myself to cherish every moment once they were home especially the nights because I finally had them home.

Because of their premature births and the five miscarriages I've had my heart has been completely transformed.  So even after 2 years of getting up every three hours to feed Nathaniel I feel no resentment, nor feel any extreme exhaustion,  on the contrary I cherish the time we get to spend alone.  He holds me tight and I look into his eyes and get to marvel at the beauty and miracle in my arms.  

I realize that this phase will be such a short time and I want to embrace it. I want to choose to embrace the feedings. It will be gone in a blink...and one day I imagine I will be looking at my big 18 year old Nathaniel and will give anything to be rocking and snuggling him in the wee hours of the night.

Birthday Cake a Week Late - Nathaniel

What happens when you turn two and you are the third child?  You get birthday cake a week late.  Please don't go feeling bad for this adorably, sweet baby.  We were at Disneyland the actual day he turned two but once we returned our life got crazy.  Finally, a week later I felt super bad that he hadn't enjoyed birthday cake and most importantly that there were no pictures of Nathaniel with his birthday cake.  So, Olivia and I got to baking and make him his favorite - Chocolate.

We light up candles, sang happy birthday and wouldn't you know it our little man knew without instruction to blow the candles out.  He blew us away - no pun intended.  We didn't know that he knew he was supposed to blow, nor that he can actually put out two candles.  Genius right?

He enjoyed the sweet cake!

How to Entertain Six Kids

I was running errands with JJ when suddenly I was asked for a big favor.  My friend needed me to watch his two daughters while he played at a gig for an hour.  I was at first concerned because I was at lunch with JJ and Nathaniel and we were enjoying our time together planning our summer.  And I still needed to go to the grocery store while JJ got his hair cut.  Then we needed to pick up Olivia from preschool and then we had  scheduled a house showing for 2.  But, my friend was in such a bind and so I agreed.  As soon as we pulled up to the drive way we were greeted by Paloma and Sophia (my friend E's kids) and then our next door neighbor Ellie came out of her house running to Olivia to see if she wanted to play.  Oh my I thought instantly, that's a lot of kids with only an hour before the house showing.  Then I thought, since I already had an additional two kids why not add one more and make it three.  At first, I had no idea what I was going to do with so many kids but as soon as I walked through the door my mind was made up - keep them outside.  As we opened the door to the back yard I remembered we had the sandbox full of dinosaur bones from Olivia's party.  So, the girls all ran out to play museum.  Olivia and Paloma were Paleontologist while Ellie and Sophia were the Curators.  It was so cute to have the girls come up with such an elaborate plan.  Once I could tell they were getting tired of the museum I had just enough time to come up with the next source of entertainment - water play since it was such a beautiful day.  I filled two buckets with soapy water and red food coloring and I proposed to the kids that they could paint the playhouse.  Wow, they bought into my plan and it was magical!  The kids were busy painting for at least an hour.  After awhile I brought out refreshing  pink lemon aid, pirates booty and granola bars.  After snack, I had the kids walk up to our greenbelt for parachute time and then some racing to get some energy out.  Once I had them nice and tired (see most kids were laying down by the end) I brought out the play dough.  Three hours later E comes to pick up the girls and so does K our neighbor.  The kids had a blast!  And the truth is I had so much fun facilitating their playtime too!  At times I wonder..should I have been a preschool teacher? Or should I open up my own preschool?

Olivia, Sophia, Paloma and Ellie painting the play house

Ellie and Nathaniel

Paloma 

Olivia and Nathaniel working together

Sophia having fun!

On the Day You Were Born - Nathaniel

On the you were born I was woken up at 1am by the nurses and rushed to the operating room.  It felt surreal, like a movie or dream.  I'd been woken up many times that night by the nurses trying to find your heartbeat.  You'd had many significant decelerations (this means your heart would slowdown) and this time you were not recovering.  The nurses grabbed the bed that I was sleeping in unplugged me from the monitor and raced as fast as I'd ever seen.  I could hear the hospital paging the surgeon on call calling for code red.  The nurses had asked me to please undress as fast as I could and slip into their gown since I was wearing my sweats.  I stripped as they were running me down the hospital corridor.  I was in complete disbelief as I'd only seen this happen in movies.  I was lucky that I had my cell phone on my lap and I immediately tried to call your dad and let him know what was going on.  The phone went straight to voicemail.  I was frightened to death that I might have to face your birth alone.  In the operating room I held on to a nurse's hand clinging hoping this was not real.  I prayed that God would see us through this that you'd be alive.  The nurses and doctors moved so fast, I hardly had a moment to breathe, they were preparing me for surgery and I just kept thinking this is just a practice drill.  I thought and prayed they'd find your heartbeat and send me back to my room.  This was not the case, and thus they cut me open and you were taken out of my womb.  I did not hear you cry, I did not get to see you, no one gave me an update or any word about you.  My heart was breaking thinking you'd not made it.  Finally, your dad showed up and I sent him to see you.  We had no camera to document any of your birth.  They kept me in recovery for hours while they prepared the room that I was going to be staying in.  We kept trying to get updates on Nathaniel's status but they were still trying to stabilize him so we had no news.  I was worried sick about what was going on and it was even harder not having updates.  finally at four o'clock in the morning I was moved to the room I was going to recover in.  A few hours later they allowed us to see Nathaniel.  I was so scared because I'd never seen such a tiny baby.  You looked a little like a bird to me.  Your arms and legs were smaller than I even imagined your tiny legs were the width on my pinkie.  I was frightened by the noise as you were on a oscillator, and high frequency ventilator.  I didn't know what to do even though I'd been through the micro preemie road before.  I felt so helpless, angry and sad.  And mainly so scared to lose you my precious baby.